Connection. How do I stay connected and what does that mean? I sometimes feel like a giant wedge of vulnerability is driving my choices. I want to be an openhearted and kind person all the time, but I’m not. Many times my desire to control rears its head like a lion roars after its prey. If I control everything around me I can feel safe, but safe does not bring connection. Safe drives the wedge of separation deeper creating a crevasse of vulnerability in my mountainous desire to belong.
An endless cycle of wishes and dreams dashed in a single, reactive moment of safety that leaves me and others stymied. Control means to win. Control means to be in charge. Control means to separate, and that can be very purposeful. Connection? What does that look like and how does it serve me?
What I think of as safe brings separation. To what degree do I really feel safe if I'm separate from all those who matter to me? Connection to those I love is what makes me really feel safe. How do I do that? If I want to connect to you, I must be willing to risk. I tend to ask the question “can you hold me and my fragile self-esteem safe enough to connect to you”. The question I should be asking is “am I capable of holding my own fragile self-esteem and making it not so fragile”.
I connect to you now by telling you of these two opposing forces of connection and separation within me. I speak my truth. I am not as connective as I want to be. Truth: a confession of inner wellness that brings relief and lifts the burden and weight of safety and separation. Welcome to my inner self.
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Control and manipulation are a huge part of human interaction. It's hard for me to watch any kinds of communication where that doesn't arise somewhat, and it's wild when one turns the eye on the self in conversation. How often are the words used to sway another person to ones own benefit or power? Let's just say, with most people, the answer is almost always! Scary when we're looking at "self" here!
ReplyDeleteSince I'm not quiet, I'm at a disadvantage. It's a lot easier to stay out of the "power" game when one is quiet, inwardly and outwardly. And being steadfast in self, remaining quiet as to swaying others, doesn't necessarily open to vulnerability... maybe individuation in Oneness?
When we get out of seeking power, get away from protecting ourselves, we can get closer to our own hearts and the hearts of others. With a lot of risk, we'll all get there some day!
Michele
I love your willingness to share your volunerability. You're not the only one that feels like that, but you express it so well. It really helps to have someone actually step up and say it, though. I, too, am on the fence, divided between inwardness and outwardness. Some days I can find the balance, other days it is elusive. And some days I don't care, because it takes a lot of effort to keep putting myself out there, being brave, being honest (both with myself and with others) and reminding myself about the whole power and control issue - that it isn't what I used to think it is. I love your definition! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteKathie
www.HypnosisByTheBaggageHandler.com